Stuff I’ve learned after a few days in North Cyprus

I’m on holiday in North Cyprus. Like a dutiful son, I’ve come to meet my mother. She hates Cairo, and England in February sucks. So we’re meeting half way. We’re doing a tour together, which for an ex-tour leader is sort of bizarre. I hope I don’t turn out to be a back seat leader!

We’re based in Bellapais, a picturesque little village just outside the pretty north-coastal town of Kyrenia (known as Girne in Turkish). In no particular order, here are some of the random things I’ve learned so far.

1. Kyrenia harbour, with its street cafes and collection of wooden pleasure and diving boats that never seem to move, is justifiably described by all and sundry as “quaint.” It is overlooked by an imposing sandstone castle. It’s still quaint, even when you learn that the round tower poking out the middle of the water is called the chain tower. The chain was strung up to protect the harbour from marauding Arab pirates, slamming them with the nautical equivalent of a WWF Wrestling clothesline.

2. There are trees and bushes everywhere. Persian Lilacs, Cyprus Pines, and palm trees. Lots and lots of palm trees. Short stubby ones, tall wobbly ones, spiky ones, and ones where the bark is peeling off as if they are shedding their skin. Pretty much everywhere you are, you can hear birds and see mountains. Living in Cairo, I am transfixed by the greenery.

There is also a set of Bella Solarius trees in the harbour. They always grow in groups, and the branches of the male and female trees are intertwined and fused in places. Hence the name, the “Loving Trees“. The branches are nearly hollow, so they are good for boat building. These particular loving trees are around 150 to 200 years old. To be honest, they look a little wan, as if age has dimmed their passion.

3. When the sky is blue, it’s a clichéd, not-a-cloud-in-the-sky shade of holiday brochure blue. When there are clouds, they are loitering with intent to precipitate. And when it’s windy, we are talking tree-bending, wave-frothing gusts of Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day proportions. The weather can change in an instant. It must be those mountains.

4. Turkish Cypriots pretend to be dour and reserved, but it’s not true. They are actually extremely hospitable and helpful, and if you show them any warmth, they will reflect it back at you ten-fold.

5. Kyrenia becomes very touristy during the high season, but it is by no means spoiled (yet). One cool thing is that the locals and tourists hang out in much the same places – down in the cafes by the harbour. The expats keep to themselves

Even though it’s touristy, most of the touts are benign. The most persistent one touts for a barber’s shop. If you reject his advances whilst he’s sporting designer stubble, by the next day he will have shaved it into a well pruned goatee, thus proving how good his barber is.

6. How good you are at backgammon is directly related to how many teeth you are missing. It has nothing to do with how many cigarettes you smoke. I know this because the swarthy guy with one tooth missing (he pushed his tongue into the gap whenever he smiled) beat his chain-smoking mate who was equipped with a full set of teeth. He was then completely destroyed by the wippet-like man who was missing three teeth, and who never paused in his running commentary on the game. I still have all my teeth. So I lost.

7. The Turkish language is odd. By turns melodic and guttural, it’s spoken at 104 mph and, to my untrained ear, sounds like a cross between Arabic and Russian. Kemal Ataturk – military hero, historian, linguist, and all round super-Turk – formed a society in 1932 with the mandate of simplifying the Turkish language back to its pure, pre-Ottoman form. Apparently, it’s changed so much that even his own speeches would barely be understood today. It does, however, still contain some pretty cool words. Current favourite is “gule gule”, which means “goodbye”.

8. Drivers in North Cyprus do not drive as if God has one hand on the steering wheel. They drive on the left, and are actually rather considerate. However, they don’t expect people to be wandering along in the road, or to step in front of them when trying to cross the road. I feel my life expectancy is much lower here.

9. On Saturday afternoons, a couple of bossy young girls dressed in violent pink have a penalty shoot-out in a square by the seafront. The boys ride around and amongst them on their shiny bikes, but the girls can look after themselves.

10. Wearing mini-skirts is absolutely fine. As long as you are a woman. Hardly any women wear the headscarf, and those that do really stand out. Holding hands and low grade smooching in public are perfectly acceptable. I stare like the parochial Cairo hick I have become.

11. Judging by the shops, people here must spend an inordinate amount of time drinking booze, wearing sexy lingerie, and gambling. (I’m not sure in what order.) How’s that for a ludicrously judgemental stereotype?

Flippancy aside, it seems that gambling is massive business here. A British expat I spoke to reckons it’s one of the few things that really makes proper money in Kyrenia. Not sure about that, but apparently hundreds of thousands of Greek Cypriots, and Turks from the mainland, visit North Cyprus each year to gamble.

12. I Will Survive, sung in Turkish at dog-bothering pitch by a live singer, really gets the dance floor going.

13. Flash coffee shops will bring your Turkish coffee cup in a filigreed silver holder, on an ornate silver tray. Also on this tray will be some fresh cut flowers, and a glass bowl containing a complimentary piece of Turkish Delight. However, these coffee shops do need to learn that Cappuccino is a frothy coffee best drunk for breakfast, not an acceptable flavour for a Nargile water pipe.

14. As far as it’s possible to pity a protruding chunk of the earth’s crust, I feel sorry for Cyprus. It’s been invaded and occupied by pretty much every empire that has ever held power over the Mediterranean. The current political situation is a joke. Only Turkey recognises North Cyprus as a country. I hear rumours that Azerbaijan might as well. But then again, I hear rumours that Azerbaijan is a made up place too, like Luxembourg, and the Kingdom of Prester John.

15. I could almost convince myself I would like to live here, but I know I would be lying. Really looking forward to the rest of the trip, though, and I reckon I’d come back.

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